


Jack Wears Speedos

by SelenaTerna



Series: Random Doctor Who Ficlets [8]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humour, Jack is naked, Non-Explicit Nudity, Parody, Public Nudity, Semi-Crack, Speedos, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 20:23:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12092736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelenaTerna/pseuds/SelenaTerna
Summary: Rose introduces Jack to the phenomenon that is YouTube. She comes to regret it. And so does the Doctor. And the TARDIS. And so do a lot of other people.





	Jack Wears Speedos

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goingtothetardis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goingtothetardis/gifts).



> Hello lovelies! This bit of silliness is a teeny tiny gift for the fabulous Heidi on the occasion of her birth! Heidi, I hope you have a fabulous day and you enjoy this little bit of silliness which you might find a liiiiitle familiar. Ahem. Yes. As might Caedmon. Anyway, on with the show! Hope you all enjoy this silliness!

_“That’s_ what you want to do today _?”_ Jack looked skeptical. 

Rose nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, c’mon, it’ll be fun! ’S new! Well, it was new when I first came on board. Back in 2005.” 

“But what _is_ it? What’re we supposed to do with this tube?”

“’S not a tube,” Rose explained. “’S called _YouTube_ -it’s a website. You go there an’ you watch videos that people have uploaded.”

“Oh, like a communal data bank!” Jack nodded. “Now I get it.”

“Right!” Rose beamed. “’S great. You can find movies or TV shows on there, or home made videos of people singin’ or whatever. ‘S hilarious!”

“I don’t know, Rosie…”

“Oh come, Jack,” she wheedled. “The Doctor’s gonna be doin’ maintenance all day and we’re in the Vortex! We have to do _something_.”

“Well, I suppose it can’t hurt to try this tube…” 

Rose beamed and focused, telepathically asking the TARDIS to set up a terminal and big screen in the media room, before turning to Jack. “Right, you make the popcorn, and I’ll dig up those chocolate biscuits we picked up in Heopa.”

“Ooooh, the ones with the strawberries? You’re on!”

Minutes later, they were settled comfortably in front of the screen.

At some point, at least four hours in, the Doctor had joined them, having finished his repairs and wondering where his wife and their (as he put it) badly behaved pet had got to.

“Rose, what are you _watchin’?”_ he demanded in bafflement as he settled beside her, his arm about her shoulders.

Rose briefly tore her eyes away from what had to be one of the worst escapologists of all time to glance at the title. “Somethin’ called ‘Britain’s Got Talent’.”

“No it doesn’t,” Jack snorted, scoffing another mouthful of popcorn. “Not if that’s the best you’ve got!”

Rose rolled her eyes and picked up the wireless, rose-coloured wireless mouse the TARDIS had made for her. She heard the Doctor huff and ignored his muttering about the TARDIS ignoring his colour preferences and always choosing hers. Scrolling through the suggested videos, she clicked on one that looked interesting.

The Doctor frowned. “What’s _kenlee_?”

Rose shrugged as the video started, and they within moments they were all howling  with laughter.

++++++++

Four days later, Rose wished, and not for the first time, that she’d never introduced Jack to YouTube.  Every spare minute he’d had had been spent glued to a screen, and he’d taken to randomly bursting in on her or the Doctor to show them whatever the video of the moment was. 

Three days ago, he’d burst into the console room and screamed for the Doctor, who’d been buried halfway inside the console, causing the Time Lord to hit his head and burn his hand (resulting in several hours of growling and glowering glances at the former Time Agent) just to show him a video of two kids ballroom dancing (although Rose had to admit they were good). 

Yesterday morning, he’d burst into the bathroom while she was showering to show her the Lambada and only the TARDIS’ quick thinking  (she’d sealed the shower door  and completely frosted the glass) had prevented him joining her in the shower with his portable screen. It hadn’t stopped him. Instead, he'd turned up the volume and held the screen right up to the shower door, hoping she could see out even if he couldn’t see in. (He was too enthralled with his video to pout about that last fact, as he usually would).

He’d even tried to burst into her and Doctor’s bedroom last night, to show them some new video, pounding on the door and only managing to sputter ‘ _speedos_ ’, before howling with laughter. After ten minutes of this ridiculous behaviour, the Doctor had growled to the TARDIS to take the door away and hide their room. The Time Ship had done so, chiming with laughter and the Doctor had huffed and muttered, before Rose had distracted him with the Very Important Activities they’d been engaged in before Jack and the Mysterious Speedos.

Luckily, however, the very next morning, they’d received a very strange distress call, sufficiently interesting Jack so as to distract him from his beloved YouTube (although, Rose admitted, that might also have something to do with the fact that the TARDIS had hidden all the screens on board to prevent Jack from continuing his ‘Sabrina the Teenage Witch’ binge) and easing the Doctor’s irritation at last night’s interruption. 

The moment the TARDIS landed, the Doctor poked his head out for a moment and then turned to his companions. “Right, then, looks like we’ve landed at lovely old Brighton seaside-”

“The beach?” Jack interrupted, beaming. “Fabulous! Last one in’s a rotten egg!” And with that, he pelted out the doors and onto the beach.

The Doctor snorted, slipping his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket. “Hope he doesn’t get himself arrested before we get out there.”

Rose grinned, tongue touching her teeth. “Least it’s got him away from YouTube for a bit, though.”

“Suppose,” the Doctor grumbled, drawing out his hands and slipping his arms round her waist. “Man’s been a bloody menace the past few days, Rose. Even more than usual!” He scowled. “You know he actually tried to redecorate the TARDIS accordin’ to some home improvement rubbish he saw?”

 Rose cringed. “He didn’t.”

 “He did!” The Doctor was indignant. “Didn’t like _that_ , let me tell you.”

“Is that why she was annoyed yesterday?”

“Of course it is! Who does he think he is, tryin’ to change her?” The Doctor rubbed a nearby coral strut possessively. “Best ship in the universe.”

“‘Course she is,” Rose soothed, kissing the strut and receiving a pleased hum in thanks. “You know he didn’t mean it love- he's just gone a bit mental with all those videos. ‘M amazed we even managed to get him out of here for a bit!”

“Yeah.” The Doctor frowned. “Come to think of it, we should get out there. No tellin’ what he’s up to.”

Slipping his hand into hers, he led them outside and into what appeared to be the past. 

“Got your perception filter on then?” The Doctor asked as he cast his eyes about, trying to gauge when they were. “Not too sure what year we’ve landed in- might not be safe to be traipsin’ about in this thin little sundress, love.” He caressed her bare shoulder, making her shiver. 

“Yeah.” Her voice shook a little at the heated look in his eye. “I have the filter on.” Rose patted the chain on which her TARDIS key hung, trying not to lean into his touch.

The Doctor’s blue eyes caressed her, smouldering. “Fantastic.”

Trying to distract herself so they didn’t get caught in a compromising position ( _again_ ), she began looking about, trying to find Jack on the empty seashore and frowned. “I can’t see Jack.” Sighing, she turned and looked behind her, before turning to the ocean. “Nope, nothing here either.…wait. Oh my God, _please_ tell me that’s not him!”

Gazing at the very familiar figure cavorting and shimmying in the shallows, the Doctor growled. “Oh, it’s him alright.”

Rose’s eyes grew wide. “What….what is he wearing? Doctor! S that a _speedo?_ I swear he was fully dressed when he left!” She gulped. “ _When_ are we?”

The Doctor sighed heavily, frowning at the Time Agent clad only in a strip of white Lycra. “He must’ve been wearing it under his clothes.” He blinked. “What the hell is he singin’, though?”

_“Me, I prefer to be free moving when I swiiiiim, no extra clothing to wear me down!”_

Rose shook her head in bemusement. “I…I dunno. I’ve never heard it before.” She cringed a the sudden screams and squawks of shock behind them .”Guess they’ve seen him, then.” Glancing briefly over her shoulder, she froze. “Doctor, we have a problem.”

Immediately turning to look behind them, his eyes grew wide at the sight of men in old-fashioned suits and women in bonnets and flowing gowns. “Bugger.”

“Yeah,” she breathed. “Bugger sounds about right. We’re in regency England and Jack’s splashin’ about in a speedo.”

By now, Jack had made his way out of the water and was cavorting on dry land.

 _“You see me walking by wearing my small swimsuit, you cannot believe your eyes I’m almost nuuuuuuude! As I’m walking by I’m shaking it like jelllooooo! Oh yeah!”_ He bellowed, gleefully shaking his lycra clad bum at the rapidly growing circle of disapproving onlookers.

The Doctor cringed at yet another scream and calls for the Magistrate. “He’ll be arrested for public indecency if he doesn’t make a run for it.”

_“If you need socks, hey I got you! I will wear it commando!”_

Rose guffawed, in spite of herself. “Can you believe he had socks ready in there, just in case he got to sing this little number?”

“Maybe he _always_ has socks in there.” The Doctor raised both eyebrows meaningfully. “Might not be as impressive as he thinks he is, if you know what I mean.”

Rose rolled her eyes as someone called for the unmarried women to be protected from this ‘gross act of indecency.’ “Can’t believe you’re still jealous of him and we’ve been married for ten years!”

“Not jealous, me.” The Doctor slipped his arm about her waist. “Just pointin’ out the facts. Can’t have you forgettin’ how impressive your old Doctor is.”

“Jealous old sod,” she grinned, leaning in to him. “You know you’re impressive.” She sighed. “Should we try and get him out?” 

The Doctor snorted as the Watch started towards Jack at a run. “How? I bet he won’t stop his little musical number for anybody me!” 

_“When I’m in my speedo I feel fabulous, some might say I dress scandalous, you cannot make me cover it, just a build a bridge get over it!”_

“Yeah,” she sighed. “Still, I feel like we should _try_ to stop him getting arrested.” After several futile efforts to catch Jack’s eye (he’d flat out ignored her), she shrugged. “Guess we’ll have to break him out later.”

 _“Everyone is gawking because they can see my bum-bum!”_  

“Too right, they are,” the Doctor muttered as Jack dashed away from his pursuers, still singing and wiggling. “Wouldn’t kill you to look when and where we are before you go wigglin’ and pullin’ your clothes off, would it?”

 _“Cause I wear my speedo, control your libido!”_  

“Ha! You’re a fine one to talk!” The Time Lord snorted, rolling his eyes. 

_“My goods are protected, like an armadillo.”_

Rose blinked. “You don’t think he…what else d’you think he’s got in there?

The Doctor shuddered. “I don’t know and I don’t _want_ to know, Rose. I’ve seen more of his wigglin’ backside than I ever needed to, me- don’t go makin’ it worse!”

_“I be extra hot like I’m a dip for nachoooooos!”_

They both rolled their eyes at that one as the Watch shouted again and again for him to cease and desist immediately, to no avail. 

 _“Like and share this with your amigos! I…wear….speedos!”_  

“Oh. My. God!” Rose squawked and buried her face in her hands, for on the final ‘speedos’, Jack had _ripped_ his speedo clean off, leaving him completely naked.

“Oh bugger,” the Doctor groaned, burying his face in her hair as the Watch gave chase again. “Every time I’ve had to haul his wigglin’ arse out of jail, it’s because he’s naked! Or shaggin’ someone. Or several someones. Or inanimate objects.… and always naked. Why is he always naked?” 

She sighed, shaking her head. “I dunno. Maybe he likes the attention. If he’s arrested, people have to look at him. Naked.” 

“Damn straight they do!” Jack panted as he ran past them. “And so they should! Ooh! Well hello, there!” He panted at a slack-jawed young girl in a blue bonnet and gown. “Captain Jack Harkness, at your serviiiiice! Hey!” 

For at last, the Watch had caught him a few feet away, and encircled him. With a few words, he had been marched off to the magistrate, wearing a coat one of the watch had forcibly covered him with. 

The Doctor sighed. "S'pose we have to rescue him, then?” 

Rose fixed him with a level look.

“Alright, alright, no need to look at me like that.” 

Standing on her tiptoes, she whispered in his ear. “I’ll make it worth your while.” 

The Doctor visibly swallowed. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Dropping the softest, tiniest kiss on the lobe of his ear, she breathed, “We get him out, chase that signal, then we can drop him on a pleasure planet for a bit. No YouTube, no interruptions…” 

His blue eyes burned. “Your wish is my command.”

+++++++++++

The young girl in blue stood stock still, cheeks flushed red and utterly confused at what had happened before a soldier appeared beside her, evidently having missed all the excitement. 

He looked about to make sure they were alone before speaking. “My apologies, Cynthia, my dearest love, I was unavoidably detained by my Colonel, but with my business finished, I am entirely at your disposal.”

Cynthia blinked, and turned to face the young soldier. “I beg your pardon, Phillip? My mind was elsewhere.”

“I was apologising for my tardiness. But even more importantly, I am ready, dearest, Cynthia! Let us away to Gretna Green!” 

She blinked again, uncertainly. “I…I do not know.” 

“Oh, my love! Do not rend my heart so! Do not you love me?” 

“It isn’t that, Phillip. It is only I have had time to consider and I realise the true import of leaving my father’s protection and running away. That is what I came to tell you before this…spectacle occurred.” 

Having heard enough about the distruabcnce caused by the naked stranger, Phillip frowned suspiciously. “Is your heart so easily changed? Have you been so bedevilled by this immoral lout?”

Cynthia blushed. “Most certainly not! I have already said I came here today to tell you I did not wish to go to Gretna Green, have I not? This stranger and his…lack of apparel is neither here nor there.” 

“Oh?” Phillip sounded even more suspicious. “So you say. Perhaps, however, your heart is engaged and you hope he will offer for you, instead?”

“Oh, _really_ ,” Cynthia huffed. “For all I know he is a madman! Why should I wish for a madman to approach my father? I have no wish to be tied to one! And you have not offered for me! If you _truly_ wish to marry me you will approach father and seek my hand. _Properly_.”  

Philip grew slightly green about the gills. “He will not agree! He will refuse, for I am only a captain.”

“You have not asked!” 

“He will refuse, I am sure of it!” Phillip said desperately. “If you refuse to come with me now, you will separate us forever!”

Cynthia narrowed her eyes. “Are you saying that you will _not_ approach Papa?”

“I am saying that my heart and my sword are ever at your service, dearest Cynthia,” he wheedled. “Do not spurn them so!” 

“It is not I who spurn _you,_ Sir!” Her cheeks were flushed with anger. “It appears we have nothing to discuss. I will not importune you further. Good day, Captain Forbes.” 

“Cynthia!”

“You will address me as Miss Burton, Captain.”

The soldier flushed, angry at having been thwarted. “You will wait for your immoral stranger to offer for you then! But beware, _Miss Burton,_ men like him do not marry. Why, he has not so much as a sword to his name!”

Cynthia snorted in a very unladylike manner, remembering the handsome stranger in rather glaring detail. “Oh, I assure you, Captain, that he did. He most certainly did.”

_Fin_

**Author's Note:**

> The song Jack sings is a parody of Despacito by a hilarious guy called Mickey Bustos and can be found [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kOKDdocGyc). You should totally watch it!
> 
> Thanks for reading! As always, feel free to drop by countessselena.tumblr.com


End file.
